Month: February 2025

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Parents Zone

Emotional Language for Parents and Children

Written by : Family Dynamics Child Play Therapist

　               Marriage and Family Therapist, Ms. Lee Wai Zi

 

Growing up, we are seldom taught to express our emotions verbally. Schools and society focus on nurturing children’s cognitive, analytical, and problem-solving skills, so we are used to discussing things and opinions, and rarely express our emotions directly in words. Even when families communicate and talk to each other, we are not used to sharing our feelings.

 

Some parents may ask, “Isn’t it enough for me to express my care for my child through actions (such as hugging or kissing him/her)? Is it necessary for parents to verbally affirm and respond to their children’s feelings and needs?

 

While it is important for parents to express their love for their children through actions, it is also important for parents to respond empathetically to their children so that they can understand and accept their thoughts and feelings in a more concrete and tangible way. This not only strengthens the parent-child relationship and builds the child’s sense of security, but the child also learns how to verbally express his or her feelings and needs, which helps reduce the need for the child to express his or her inner turmoil through bad behavior.

In fact, the language of emotion is not the language we are used to. Many parents are concerned that affirming and empathizing with their children’s negative emotions may condone and exacerbate their children’s bad behavior. For example, when a child feels sad about the loss of a beloved object, parents are afraid that rehashing the incident will touch on the child’s sad feelings. Parents may say to their children, “It’s okay, just play with something else! or “Try to see if you can buy another one instead. Parents want to calm their children by solving their problems.

 

However, not only do children fail to learn from their parents’ responses how to access and understand their own feelings and effectively regulate their negative emotions, they also have no opportunity to learn from their failures and develop a sense of responsibility.

 

If parents can put themselves in their children’s shoes, understand their experiences from their children’s perspective, and try to tell them how they feel, even if it is as simple as “I think you must be very sad and upset about losing your beloved object. This is the most powerful support and comfort for children, giving them the confidence and courage to face the challenges of life.



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Parents Zone

Why do children have a perfectionist personality?

Source : Psychiatrist, Dr. Hui Long Kit 

 

Perfectionistic children may have autism spectrum disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder. In fact, perfectionism often stems from a child’s own high demands on themselves to do everything perfectly. When they cannot achieve perfection, they often blame themselves. For some children, when they score 99 out of 100 on an exam, they may cry endlessly at home because they are so worried about the one point they missed.

 

However, sometimes perfectionistic thinking does not come from the child, but rather from the parents. For example, if a child scores 99 out of 100, have you as a parent ever asked them, “Why didn’t you get 100 points?” If you say this, you are actually adding some perfectionistic elements to the child’s thinking. Children’s psychology is easily influenced by adults. If adults demand perfection in everything, children often internalize this pressure and turn it into self-demands. As a result, they may feel anxious when they cannot do what they want to do.

 

What are the consequences of anxiety? Anxiety can lead to chronic insomnia, extreme nervousness, frequent visits to the restroom, skin picking, rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, trembling hands, and even a fear of going to school. Children may think, “What should I do? I missed one point. I threw away the notice. The teacher will scold me tomorrow. I don’t want to go to school.” These are common situations for perfectionistic children, not just those with anxiety disorders. Many children may also develop depression.

Because they are unable to meet the demands of parents or teachers for a long time, they often cry, feel unhappy, and may even have suicidal thoughts. So how should parents deal with children who have perfectionism?

 

First, you need to be aware of the problem. Don’t assume that a child who is diligent and looks like a good student has no problems. The more obedient the student, the more careful you need to be to see if their demands on themselves are too high.

 

Second, parents should be aware of themselves. Are you perfect? Did you do everything perfectly when you were young? Do you do everything well every day? Do you do everything perfectly at work? Has your boss ever criticized you for not doing a good job? If you can’t even achieve perfection yourself, why do you expect your child to do so?

Third, you should pay attention to whether a child with perfectionism has symptoms of anxiety and depression. If, as stated above ,the child has trouble sleeping, shakes, has a fast heartbeat, sweats, picks at their skin, goes to the bathroom frequently, or has negative thoughts or even suicidal ideas, then you must take them to see a doctor. If anxiety and depression worsen, the consequences can be very serious.